some j=of the changes in my daily routines since I retired in 2007.  It's a strange thing to think about.....but as the others were going up to bed it occured to me that this is when I used to start my housework.   Chel didn't live here and Andy would have left for work for the night.  So I did all the cleaning, laundry and the like at night.  And I'd sit with the computer until the early hours.  Then Chel came home and things changed again.  She worked days and he worked through the night.  I struggled to get things done without disturbing one or the other of them.  Now they both work days and so therefore can I.  I'm loving it.  I'm having a great time having the house to myself during the day.  I can choose what to do and when to do it, as well as going out or having company without need to consider disturbing anyone else.

thanks to the meds working as they should (and me taking them regularly).  So that is that is that done and dusted.  This did prove to me that Omeprazole really works for me. 

Now on to the rest of what's been going on in my head and life.  I've finally faced and accepted a couple things that have caused me a lot of stress and ill health.

I've known for a long time that I have control issues.  I can't let go.  I want things done right; I do my best to do things to the best of my ability. That is hard to live up to as well as to live with. Now I am facing it head on: I am trying hard to be more flexible and lower my expectations from myself and everyone else.  80% can be fine.  Everything does not have to be 100% and my life will improve once I am able to adopt that in every area of my life.

I dread painting around the house because I know I won't get it "right" by which I mean done to professional standards.  Well, that has kept me from even starting for over a year.  So sad.  Everyone else praises what I've done, I am happy with the overall result but I am too aware of the flaws.  I foucus on the wrong things.  I'm finally accepting that this is all part of me and refuse to let it stop me doing things anymore.  Fresh white paint not perfectly done beats grubby yellowing paint (that wasn't perfectly done either).

I now see that the areas of my life that I beat myself up over most are not in fact flaws to be corrected but are actually an innate part of me to be accepted and loved.  It took a lot of tears and the loving words of a dear friend to make me understand this.  The knowledge is very freeing.  The easiest way to describe this is to say I suddenly saw things from a new angle instead of straight on.  I hope I remember this lesson which has taken so long to learn and incorporate it into my daily thoughts.

Another area that has been causing me stress without me being aware of it is my moderating.  I've let it become a time consuming chore rather than a pleasure.  I need to let go of it and let new people deal with it.  They won't do it MY way and that is fine.  There is no one perfect way to do it......(can't believe I really said that when my head says if it isn't done my way it's not right!)..and other people can do it very well.  As I now see that this is a stressor for me I've chosen to give it up completely and walk away from it.  I've met some lovely people through it but as they have become friends I hope they will stay in my life.   I have been here before but chose to give it another go against the advice of those who know and love me best......will I ever learn that they do really have my best interests at heart?  I appreciate how hard it has been for them lately not to say "Told You So" but to make their point clearly nonetheless.  They are glad I've made the decision to stop doing it. 

I've been under the weather in so many ways for a while now.  Here's hoping that things will start improving quickly now and that I can find the full enjoyment of life as it can be.

I'm thankful for family and friends who love me.  Thank you all.  I know some of you read this.

This pain is enough to make me angry.  It's a severe heartburn like I haven't felt for a couple of years.  I'm trying not to swear......because it is all my fault for running out of my magic pills.  I ran out a few days ago and had to wait until Monday to order more, and then you have to wait 48 hours for the surgery to process them.  By then I was totally miserable.  Chel said to see if the chemist could help - I've known him twenty years or so - and he let me have four to keep me going.  I got all my meds this afternoon less the four he let me have in advance.  I'm so grateful to a) Chel for telling me to ring him and b) Mr Shah for his help.  They are working but it takes a few days to build up or whatever so hopefully I'll keep improving over the next few days.

With that and all the other aches and pains I'm not coping too well.  I've given up moderating for the time being as I just don't have the patience to do it now.  I'm doing the housework slowly and gently, doing mostly a bit at a time.  I'm looking forward to getting out and about again.  I was enjoying my newfound 'freedom' and being outside the house.  Having said that things could be far worse so I'm grateful for what I do have and what I can do.  I owe thanks to other moderators at various levels who are taking over to give me a break.

On the cross stich forum someone mentioned that the Transworld Book Challenge was starting again.  It's historical fiction this time.  I was lucky enough to be accepted and am reading a lovely new copy of The Queen's Secret by Victoria Lamb.  So far, only a chapter in, I am really enjoying it.  It will  be a joy to read

I've just ordered eight - yes 8- books from Amazon for my Kindle.  Well at twenty pence each you have to if you read as much as I do.  Okay, I might or might not like them when I read them but I won't know till I try.  I have found some authors I like in the free books both from Amazon and from other sites.  I'm always up for new books.  I am too curious to pass up anthing that looks interesting to me.  I'm such a saddo that I have the kindle app on my phone.  If I find myself out without my kindle I have a book that I'm only reading on my phone!  Yes, I do have a life and don't need the comment to get a life. 

It's been a busy week suprisingly.  I've been out and about a lot both alone and with friends. Spent most of a day in bed unwell but hey, that's what I get for overdoing things.   I had a lovely bithday lunch with a friend even if it was a week after her special day.  Sue is always good fun.

Wimbledon has been interesting so far.  I've managed to watch some for a change and enjoyed it.  I've also watched most of Euro 2012 since Andy and Chel have watched it.  (Dare I admit to enjoying it???)   The final is on now and I'm sitting with a bottle of Buck's Fizz, my laptop and the telly in front of me.  We had a nice dinner of steak and jacket potato with sour cream so I'm stuffed.  Fresh cherries for afters - later.  I got a big box for £2 which was an amazing bargain at closing time on the open air market in town.  Yum yum.  I've already had a couple bowls of them.

I'm off now to enjoy cleaning up the kitchen.  It won't take long and is so pretty and comfy when it's done. 

that just ended.  To start with I spent more time up in my littlle room with the tv and laptop. The novelty hasn't worn off yet. 

I went shopping in Coventy and found a sweetshop that sells imported sweets from the US.  Chel said I was really like a kid in a candy store, oohing and aahing over everything.  That was a fast £10 spent.  But I didn't eat it all, I still have a chocolate mint bar in the fridge.  Go Me.

Then on Thursday it was off to London by train.  We stayed in a hotel in Central London that we've used before.  My walker made the two days so brilliant.  I was able to go everywhere, and as long as I took my pain meds I was pretty pain free.  By Friday night my legs wanted to give up and I got slower and slower on the way to the train home, but hey, we had plenty of time to make it so it was good.  To say I was tired would be a lie.  There has to be a better term than beyond tired.  But I was also happy and relaxed.  

We saw so much, and took lots of buses instead of the underground.  I'm glad we did; you see so much more from a bus.  And of course you don't have to go up and down any steps on a bus.  The M&M World shop was fantastic.  I didn't know it existed until Chel spotted it.  The stock is spread out so you can see it and the displays are something else.  Finding that as we were making our way to the station was a bonus.

We had a nice meal with an old friend.  He is such good fun, and takes good care of us.  Boy was that steak good.  Perfectly cooked and great service.  It was the pre theatre menu at Sophies which is in/near Covent Garden.  fI've got to give them a shout and recommendation.  And on the way back to the hotel I saw the Seven Dials.  I didn't know it was a  real thing and place!!!  Just goes to show you're never too old to learn.

I wasn't too impressed with the Tate Modern, but that could be due to my mood.  I just didn't feel like wandering around a museum.  But the Globe Theatre is so much smaller than I expected.  I don't remember ever going to that part of London before.  We got an excellent view of the Tower of London as we circled it heading to the pier for our boat ride on the Thames.  We went from the Tower to Grenwich, back, and then down to Westminster.  I saw/learned so much during that trip.  I now have places that I'd like to visit...... and who knows what the future holds for me. I'm not ruling anything out.

So since I've been home it's been a case of taking it gently while I've been awake.  Yes, I guess I was pretty tired judging by the amount of sleep I've had.

And now to see what the coming week brings forth.......




 

and it will be a great one.  Dear daughter has the week off so we will be going out and about here and there a lot.  Goody.  We have fun together, I'm so lucky.

I've been given a new indoor aerial for the tv in my little room.  Now I can get lots of stations while I'm doing whatever up here.  I'm so pleased and grateful for it. I've missed spending time in here where my makeup and stuff is.  This is also where I plan to do my studying.  I feel optimistic about it. 

In some ways this evening has been stressful, but I got off my butt and did something about the situation - after I vented to two friends who are good listeners.  And it appears that the situation that has been progressively building up may be about to be sorted.  I can't know for sure, of course, because it relies on other people who I don't know yet.  But hey, I didn't eat my frustration, didn't cry, and didn't even open a bottle of wine. And I did write to both friends and thank them for bein I'm going to bed feeling pretty good. 

I have the telly on while I'm writing this and it feels like old times.  I will even treat myself to some pampering as part of getting ready for bed.   Bonus.  Added to the new hair colour I did this morning and wow.....  this colour isn't what I expected but it is fine.  The grey is hidden for another few weeks and it looks fine. 

So endeth another day in my world.  

I'm still tired but I've been up a couple of hours.  I just don't *want* to go back to bed.  It's beautifully sunny outside, and I have tons to do.  I would like to do some of the following:  colour my hair, paint the cloakroom, do the ironing, start studying the material that arrived last night, go out somewhere - anywhere, and walk the dogs somewhere nice. I've already tidied up my little room a bit.  I needed to make a space to study easier, and have not figured out a good way to work it out.  I guess I'll just have to take it one step at a time and day by day.  When I need to do something I'll find a way.  Generally when I can't see a way forward I just wait and bingo! an excellent way to achieve my goal appears when I don't expect it. I think it's a case of the subconscious working away when I'm busy with other things.  And hey, I might even decide the kitchen would be a better place to use.  Who knows?  And even more likely, me being me, I will change it from time to  time as the course goes along.

That is one big thing I've finally learned....things change from time to time so there is no point making a big stressy deal of arranging things.  I guess from this comment that you can see how I have done things in the past...(imagine a big cheesy grin here 'cause I'm wearing one!).  I'm actually giggling at myself.  So I'm either happy and contented or completely nuts.  And I don't honestly care which one is the right answer!  It just feels good so I'll stick with it and enjoy it while it lasts.

I've taken a break to put some lotion on my arms.  Yeah, that worked.  The thing is that most of my lotions were gifts a few years ago, at least 2/3 years.  On the bottles it says good for 12 months.  Yep, the first one had gone off - didn't smell nice at all.  Nor the next one.  Or the third.  After the fourth I went to wash it all off, I'd covered both arms and legs!  Yes, I did  still have more to try - unopened ones this time.  One of my favourites that was open is still good. And one of the unopened ones is fine.  I'm not opening the last one, if it is still good then it will stay good if I don't open it (I hope).  So add to the 'to do' list to go in the bedroom and see what old stuff is in my drawer in there.  I keep a bit of lotion stuff by the bed to use at night when I'm too tired to come in here and get some.  Well, to be honest I should say when I am watching something in tv and don't want to miss any by leaving the room to get anything.  Since I have plenty it's no problem to keep it handy all over the house.  Now I might not have enough to keep everywhere.  That isn't a problem and I'm not about to go out and buy more.  I think if I look I have some in another location that I got in the after Christmas sales.  As I write this I'm thinking that maybe I need to have a really good general  sort out......

I did my walking yesterday and as usual enjoyed it fully.  I went through a local area where I haven't walked for ages.  I can't wait to go again and explore all my old walks.  I have come to realise how much I've been missing out on.  In a way it's sad to think about it but in reality I couldn't have done things differently.  That saying of Maya Angelou comes into play here; When you know how to do better you do better.  That has always been a comforting thought. 

The  lotion I put on my arms has soaked in and boy do they feel good.  I have never made a habit of using lotion.  I *might* make it a new habit but won't stress about it. If it feels good enough I will want to repeat it over and over.  We'll see. 

Now I'm off to make another coffee and restart my day.

to have so many great people and so much good stuff in my life.  Friends and family who are so fun to be around, who understand and accept me as I am.  Dogs to cuddle when I need a cuddle.  A comfortable home that is generlly well enough organized that I don't have to spend all my time cleaning it.  Medications that keep my pain in check most of the time.  A garden to enjoy when the weather is nice, or just to look at when it's rainy and grey outside. 

Today I went to the library for the first time in ages and checked out some books, big ones at that.  I could carry them on my walker.  Boy that makes such as change to my life.  On Saturday I was able to walk for probably one and a half miles and fully enjoy it.  That gave me such a feeling of freedom that I don't want to lose it ever again.  More and more I realise how  small my world has become.  Enough is enough, I want to make more effort to do  some of the  things I used to enjoy so much outside the house.  Go Me.

I've gained about ten pounds and I feel every one of them.  I'm not thrilled about it, but not beating myself up either.  It is what it is.  I've had breathing problems the past couple of weeks due to circumstances that will pass.  That limits my activity and then I want to eat - I've just  this moment realised that I want to eat because I feel miserable and food makes me feel better.  Well, no, it really doesn't although  I enjoy it while I'm eating it. Someitmes.  And that is okay.  But what about the times when I don't even enjoy it while I'm eating it????  And I still keep stuffing my face. No, it isn't hunger at all.  Nor thirst, I don't think.  I think it is likely to be boredom, pure and simple.  Even if I'm doing something like playing games on the pc I can be bored.  It's part of the old feeling of 'should be doing something' or maybe just the need to be physically active instead of just sitting in my chair.  I  hope that I can become aware of this when it's happening and find another way to cope.  I am still trying to drink enough.  That is easier said than done, but I feel better when I do drink more.  And when I eat more often/make better choices.

I am happy to have online friends to chat with to.  They make lfe more interesting.  I love all the different points of view. 

Oh what fun I had today!  My new walker and I went out alone for the first time.  As in not with another human.  First to the field with the dogs.  It was rough on the path that needs resurfacing but was about doable.  Then the field, that too was okay though I don't know how it would be wet.   Stevie was no problem but Jess saw another dog and wanted to go play.  I didn't want her to go play.  So she thought she'd bark.  I didn't want her to bark.  She's not bad but was too much of a handful today so I brought them both home.  The best thing is taking the dog supplies (poo bags etc) on the walker instead of carrying it over my shoulder.

Then I took myself down to the bus stop, on a bus, and around the centre.  It's like a mall for those who live with malls.  I walked up the ramp instead of using the escalators.  I did four lengths of the place plus around several shops and back down the ramp to get a lift home.  Well, if Andy is off work and going that way why get a bus?  All in all far more walking than I would have undertaken just using the stick.  And even with a bit of shopping (that went in the basket) I have no neck, shoulder or leg pain.  So the ankles hurt some but they would have anyway.

The whole expidition went better than I could have guessed.  I am nearly in tears because it feels like I have my freedom back.  I used to love walking - we have some nice walks here.  Over the past few years I've done less and less.  Now with the asthma and hay fever under control, as well as effective pain control, I really think my new tool will enable me to go more often and further.  I just have to be aware of rough ground and stuff like that.  It's light enough to lift up and down kerbs so I'm quite free. 

BTW, this is a blue three wheel walker that has a bag and basket, brakes, and is pretty commonly sold in shops that do mobility aids.  I call it a walker, they call it various things.  So I thought I wasn't old enough or disabled enough to need one.  That may be so, but my thinking is if it makes my life easier/more pleasant, then why not use it? 

Now I wonder if this will help shift that weight I've put back on lately.  Well, it can only help but any help is welcome.

 

The weather has been so glorious all week, and Andy has been on a week of holiday, so I've beenb sitting out in the garden most of the week.  No weeding.  Just reading and using the laptop outside.  Making full use of the table eith umbrella and the swing.  I even put out a lounger!  The fountain is tinkiling away, the birds are singing. The laundry is drying. 

So what's the problem?   The housework.  It's not getting done.  The dishes are okay, the laundry is up to date.  This morning I finally vacuumed the lounge.  The rest needs to be done.  You could probably write a book in the dust on just about every surface.  And to make it worse, I don't care all that much.  My current thinking is that I have to take advantage of the good weather while I have it and play catch up indoors when itr changes later today or later in the week.  Fortunately for me Andy and Chel agree. 
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Himself has done a lot of work out here, it's his hobby.  He did most of the weeding so there isn't so much for me to do and he used weedkiller on the areas that I normally do to cut down on my job.  Way to go.   We are so fortunate to have this garden to enjoy. 

I bought an undercoat rake for Stevie.  Boy oh boy did that little guy need it.  Who'd have guessed how much fur the other brush left behind that we didn't know about.  Luckily he loves being brushed and comes when he sees his brushes.  Jess is happy to be brushed but doesn't seem to enjoy it as much as my little buddy does.  Still, we got a lot of undercoat off that skinny girl.  Whoda thunk it?

Today is a fair bit cooler and more comfortable.  They give heavy showers later which will be great for the plants. The pink rhododendron was stunning but didn't last long - I guess it was too dry. And we have to save water so it will stay dry.  The newer plants get the dishwater....and the tubs.

The knowledge that I don't have to earn pleasure is still there and working better than ever.  It makes life sooooooo good.  I'd recoimmend it