I've had a bit of a chest cold again this week but am feeling mostly okay and am improving daily.  At last.

My eating has been very up and down, but I am trying hard. Because I've not been well I have slept in the afternoons and didn't feel much like cooking or the others thought I should just rest. We've been out for at least one meal and have take away twice that I can think of.....I'm not about to weigh myself. Why set myself up for an upset?  My clothes are tight and that's what is most important at this stage.

  I'm studying hard and spending a lot of times on the forums for my course and finding it very useful. It's early days but I'm loving being a student at last.  It's more complex than I thought when I first looked at my books etc but as Andy said"What did you expect if you want a degree?"  Well said, Andy.  I know I can do it and will enjoy it once I get my first essay out of the way and see the feedback on it.  I have a good idea of the basic concepts now so feel that I'm on the way. I've been taking notes for many years but have to learn new ways to do it now that will be more effective and serve me better.  It's like starting from scratch, which I guess it really is. 

Everything else is ticking over fine.  I'm in touch with friends on here if not in person and have managed to walk the dogs - no, not yet today but hope to later. I have to face the fact that although I can't be bothered most of the time, I do feel better for going outside and moving around.  It will become even more important when I'm spending more time sitting at the computer.

Just on the off chance that the above heading didn't make it quite clear enough, I'm not a happy bunny right now.  Earlier this evening I saw some recent photos of myself sitting in my fave chair unaware that my photo was being taken.  I'm fat.  To make it more honest, I'm horribly fat.  I know how much I weigh, but have been kidding myself about how fat I look.  Yes, I'm saying fat as that is what it is. Why dress it up with any other word just because they sound nicer.  They look the same on my body whatever name you put on it. 

Now please know that I'm not being mean to myself.  I'm not beating myself up.  I'm not belittling myself.  That in itself is a great improvement.  But I am facing an unpleasant fact of my life.  I'm going to use those photos - which may just exaggerate the problem by the way I'm sitting - as a tool to help me get back on track in a positive way.

I know, as anyone who has a weight problem knows, what I need to do and how to do it.  I just have not wanted to do it or to really face it.  Like everyone else I can use the rose tinted spectacles and see what I want to see. I've been ignoring the fact that the scales say I'm heavier, my jeans are tighter, and moving is harder. 

At last I *think* I'm ready to face things and try to improve the situation gently and sensibly.  As my course starts tomorrow it's a good time to implement several changes at once.  I want to implement a new time management system here to be able to study and keep up with the housework and have a social life which has been getting more full.  So why not piggyback a  healthier lifestyle as part of this?  I have been doing some studying already and find that it is useful to take a break for a snack now and then.  I need to eat if I'm going to study effectively.

Up to now I haven't planned much, I just do as I feel like or do what needs to be done.  Now I am entering a new phase in my life.  We can all make changes whenever we choose, but as I am embarking on a major change anyway.........

My immediate goal for this week is to eat sensibly and healthily every time I make a food choice.  I will make a proper meal for myself and the family twice this week.  Then I will make a goal for the next week and the next one.   I am not putting a number on my weight loss goal.  I know where I'd like to be, and what dress size I'd like to be, but for now it is enough to eat and drink well and keep moving more.  Because I study upstairs and the kitchen is downstairs it follows that breaking for snacks/drinks means nore trips up and down.  And I have to go down to let the mutts out........

Here's a giggle for you.  Our lurcher, Jess, enjoyed the mug of coffee I left on the table this morning.  I heard an unusual sound so went to investigate.  It was her collar tag clinking on the mug.  She met me at the foot of the stairs licking her lips and wagging her tail  with 'that' look on her face.  She didn't like me moving the cup.  When I switched on the kettle to make myself another one she got all excited with a look like 'ooh, can I have one?'   No, she did not get another one!!!!

The weather has changed and it's time to swap the summer tops for the winter ones.  If I didn't have so much it would be far easier.  Some of these tops are ten years old - at least.  I hate to get rid of them in case I *need* them in the future.  How dumb is that?  If I don't like them and don't wear them........nuff said.   So this time I'm really having a major purge.  After all, I've been buying what I need as I need it.  I've realised that in fact all the things I no longer wear, no matter how good they still are, I've had my use from them.  Very few are new, unworn, or things I need to feel bad about getting rid of.  In the 'good old days way back when' people kept stuff forever and expected clothes to last forever as well.  My mind has to accept that times have changed in this as well as everything else.

After I wrote that I went back and finished sorting out my clothes.  Big job but well done.  I got rid of a lot of things including shoes.  Some are ready to pass on to a charity, some have gone in the bin.  Sadly some of my favourite tops, new this year, have got holes in already.  Instead of keeping them I've binned them and proud of myself for doing it.  I deserve better than to wear raggedy clothes even if they are ones I love.   I can actually hang up all the clothes for this winter now and can see them all.  I will even be able to see all my shoes.  The best reward is that I feel good about it days later.  The thing remaining to be done is to iron/freshen many tops.

I met up with some of my new classmates on Friday.  It was a lovely afternoon and I feel so happy to have met these ladies.  It's distance learning but there are several of us from this town doing the same course so we can help and support each other.

The weather isn't being kind to my body.  I've been so achy for days that I struggle to get comfortable.  And to add to misery the ol' asthma has been worse.  I've had to use my puffers at least a couple times a day and even during the night.  Other than that things are great.  I'm happy. 

and life is good.  I seem to keep busy doing not much of anything specific but enjoying it.  The house is generally in a reasonable state and we have clean clothes.  There is always stuff to be done but nothing urgent.  That feels good.  I can sit and relax with a drink and not feel that I 'should' be doing something else.  It's taken a long while to feel this way. 

I have finished all the books for the Transworld reading challenge for this year.  All the books were good, and one was better than good.  I'm grateful for the opportunity to do this again.  There is something wonderful about having a brand new book and reading something by an author I most likely would not have tried.  I plan to read more by the authors I've discovered this time around.

Here's a silly thing:  I was unable to sleep so had the tv on one of those teleshopping channels that are so good at sending me to sleep.  They were banging on about a steam cleaner.  Remember that I bought one a few years ago because of these ads.  It seemed like a good idea.  I already had a wallpaper steamer that has attachments but it's pretty big and heavy.  I bought the smaller hand help gizmo but never found it as good as I expected.  When I was watching this program I realised where I was going wrong.  I dug it out a while ago and found that the gizmo is fine, it was the user at fault!  Now I will have to find it a new home where I can get it out easier.  It just proves you are never too old to learn.....(you can laugh here if you like)

Well, I think I'll give the mutts a walk now.  It will do them good and it will also be good for me.  It's a nice day and I might as well go out and enjoy it.

On Saturday I got my course materials from the Open University.  Oh boy, what fun opening a box of books and CD's.  The best bit is that I understand them and think I will enjoy them.  I was a bit daunted wondering what I've undertaken: would the books be written at a level that I'm not comfortable with, would the CD's be aimed above my abilities.  But hey ho, it's all good.

My final book from Transworld arrived today and I'm looking forward to starting it when life slows down a bit.  New books are always exciting to me.

I've been out socialising two days this week and will be out again tomorrow.  It's amazing how much I've been enjoying myself seeing various old friends.  Once again I've realised how restricted my life has become.  I used to walk so far and go so far compared to what I do now.  I'm trying hard to get better and my walker which I call Charlie helps a lot.  We'll have to see how it goes when the weather changes.  I've also accepted two invitations for next week and one to an ongoing group.  From never going out to being out a lot!

I've also realised this week that I finally have a goal and something to aim for - my degree.  It's been a long time since I've felt so motivated.   I'm enjoying the sensations this brings me.  And the joy knowing about it has given Andy is an added bonus.   Since I've been retired I've found it hard to look forward, especially when I'm in pain.

I've joined the Facebook group for my course and am enjoying being part of a bigger group all doing the same things.  It's so good to know we all have the same hopes and fears, that we are all excited about it.

And this weekend is the 50th reunion for my high school class!  I can't go as it's in the US but my former classmates are being very good about keeping me in the loop.  They will send me photos of the event.  I've sent my best wishes to all.  I hope they will have a brilliant time.  I really don't believe it has been that long since I was in school.  It makes me feel old.

I'm chuffed to bits today!  A nice deliveryman brought my course materials for the Open University.  I've had a lot of fun looking through them, seeing what I have to use and do.  I haven't looked at the actual textbooks yet, there is enough other stuff to look at for starters. 
I've also been following a forum and the Facebook page for my course.  I have most of the supplies that I might need so am good to go.

Yesterday I went with Andy to Wellingborough and found a lovely new hairdresser.  My hair was ittitating me no end.  I'd cut some of it myself last week but it needed a good cropping.  I had it cut very short.  It feels wonderful and I'm glad I had it done.  It's so short it is sticking up in places but that is okay.   

Let's see what else I can remember about the last couple of weeks.........I've done a lot of housework, the gentle, quiet stuff that needs doing every now and then to make it all look good and run smoothly.  Like descaling the showerheads and nice jobs like that!  

I read the wonderful Transworld Challenge book The Labyrinth of Osiris.  It was brill and I completely recommend it to anyone.  It is a complex story with several stands which weave into a super whole.  I did not foresee the ending at all (which in itself is surprising.)   Unfortunately the author, Paul Sussman passed away earlier this year.  

I've done more studying and generally enjoying life.  There hasn't been much to tell about.

It's one of those beautiful days weather wise here today....and the day is mine to enjoy as I wish.  No urgent anything to be done or needing my attention. 

The postman brought me two gifts today, a book and a present.  The book is the next one on my Transworld book challenge list, a big thick paperback that seems like it will be a cracking good read.   The other thing is a pretty biscornu made for me by Agi who lives in Sweden.  It's pale blue fabric with a pretty variegated coral thread.  It has a lovely meaningnful message on  it.  It is always amazing to receive a gift, especailly when someone has gone to the bother of making it specifically for you.  Thanks again, Agi.

My studying is going okay, I'm learning a lot already and remembering even more.  It might be interesting for me to re-read this a year from now and see how I feel then......(note
to self???

I feel that I have let myself down big time by gaining back all the weight I'd taken off - about a stone overall.  It feels awful, I can feel every ounce of it.  It isn't earth shattering or of world importance.  Actually it isn't all that important to me right now.  I don't like it but can't be worrying about it.  I have been through a period of transition for a while.  I don't like the unknown at all.  I want to be in control always - and I do know and understand why I'm that way.  I have no reason to change that part of me just now.  But my clothes aren't as comfortable anymore.  Ah well, one more thing to deal with gently.  I say gently because I'm not going to be hard on myself over this.  What is the point?   So many other things are falling into place wonderfully.  I want to enjoy the rest of this ride. 

I have been feeling pretty good  - when I take my meds.  I have to be regular with the pain ones to keep it at bay.  But like so many others, as soon as I feel great I forget to take them and the pain begins to build again.  That, I suspect, is human nature.  The pain reminds me go get back on board.  Over all it's pretty good.  With my walker I can go a couple miles easily although the pain in my hips can get pretty bad by then.  My shoulders and neck don't hurt though so it's a winner for me.  And I can go faster than without it.  Yippee do dah, freedom feels great. 

I did a lot of painting today, up and down, round and round.  I did two doors, the paintwork around one room and one ceiling which took a couple of coats.  Andy did four or five doors, some on both sides, bless him.  He has a couple sides still do do but I have a lot of trim left to do. 

Stevie the brat dog is not happy with Andy.  I had two tubs with tomato plants coming along nicely on the patio.  The dog decided on Saturday that he'd pick and eat the green tomato nearest him instead of letting it ripen for me to eat.  The little sod makes for the plants every time he gets out the door!  We don't know how many he ate......and this afternoon Andy moved the tubs onto a table where Stevie can't reach them.  Then it got funny.  Stevie didn't see Andy move them so he went looking for them.....and looking, and looking.....and even sniffing all the sweet peas next to where they were.  Sweet peas are not the same and he was not a happy boy.  Poor boy, too bad, so sad.....

I have my student loan now and am good to go.  I'm so relieved and excited.  I'm looking at it as a part time job to make myself get into routines which will enable me to keep up with everything.  I want to make a success of this.  I have set realistic goals that I should be able to manage.

We've had some great weather this past few days. The garden, a book, a drink, a dog at my feet, what more do I need on a nice day?

I've enjoyed the Olympics and have to admit the whole thing has been better than I expected.  I'm not that into sport but I have spent my share of time cheering at the tv.

  It's warm, sunny and perfect for me.  I'm just relaxing and enjoying it while I can. Jess is happy, Stevie isn't.  I used a bowl of water and sponge to clean them both.  She loved it, he doesn't like getting wet.  He seems happier now though.

I'm loving the paintwork that i did yesterday but the fumes are still strong.  The joy of seeing the nice white paint will outweigh the smell in the long run.   I've waited two years to get around to doing it.  I'd like to do some more next week if the weather is nice enough to allow me to have the windows open.  I'm learning my lessons and trying hard not to overdo things.  Today is just for tidying and relaxing.

So I wrote all that a couple of days ago, I lose track of time sometimes.  The weather has still held and has been - dare I say it - almost too hot for me.  WHEN I lose some of this weight I've porked on I know I'll find life easier, including the heat.

I am away from home now, staying with a friend who has never used a pc.  She is now connected to the internet wirelessly and is doing very well, searching away like a goodun'.  I'm proud of both of us actually.   And since she now has broadband and wireless, I have my laptop with me.  Bonus. 

The above was written about a week ago.  Where does the time go?  I've been home five days now.  I finished all three of the 'Fifty Shades' books.  I couldn't put them down. I'd have enjoyed the story more without so much sex, but had too keep reading to see how the story would develop.  Loved them, brilliant story once I got into the first one.  I'm glad I didn't give up.

I've been working out how to make my study are nicer/easier to use without adding any furniture.  I got some new grass green storage boxes to stuff the clutter on top of the bookcase in, and some new brighter curtains.  Wow!  What a difference they have made.  I still need to do some sorting out, and clearing out, but it is much better already.  I can't stand clutter and mess.  I also got a slanted laptop stand from Ikea in the same green as the boxes.  I makes the laptop easier for me to read when it's on the desk and easier to type with when I have it on my lap.  Okay for a bit of plastic!  I like things that make life easier.......  and more fun.  Even if I don't get the funding to do my studying I'll benefit from what I've bought today.

The Olympics are very enjoyable, but I've been watching more than I expected to.  Then again, we all like the swimming, diving and gymnastics.  I'm not very interested in most of the track and field events but will watch some of them.  Phelps has just won another gold, his 20th medal I think they just said.  How wonderful.  I have no plans to go to London nor to the Olympics but hope everyone does enjoy them.