I'm tired again. Although I've been busy I shouldn't be this tired out.

Saw the doctor yesterday and came away with more meds which is good, I think.  One is an alternative hay fever remedy as what I was using wasn't very effective.  He also gave me eyedrops.  I didn't think I really needed them, but oddly enough, my eyes do feel better for taking them.   And add to the mix some tablets to take in addition to my inhalers for the asthma.  Apparently hay fever makes asthma worse!  (Like I hadn't worked that one out for myself).  He also said that I was not taking my nose spray correctly anymore, I was breathing in too deeply when I used it which made it far less effective.  So we'll see how it goes now.  I'll know in a few days when I'm out and about walking again.

I didn't think it was breathing problems that kept waking me up, but when the doctor asked if it did disturb my sleep I said that it didn't.  Later I wondered if that is why I wake up so often.  I never thought about asthma when I'd wake up in the night for no reason.  Last night when I woke for the second time, I tried to figure out why.  Yep, I needed my inhaler.  It wasn't handy so I finally drifted off again.  Next time, same questions - am I thirsty?  need the loo?  in pain?  too hot?  too cold?  hungry? No to all.  The realised I was wanting a deep breath of air.  So I got up, used an inhaler and slept till morning.  I've moved an inhaler from the computer to the bedroom where it might get used more.  I'll try to remember to post what happens.  Maybe if I sort this out I won't be so darn tired all the time.

Diet.  or not.  Well, I did weigh myself and I'm still the same.  That's good as I haven't put on any weight but bad because I didn't lose any either.  I am very aware of what I'm eating these days and when I'm out food shopping I really consider what I'm buying myself.  I do want to get somewhere with all this but think maybe when I get the sleep sorted out.....yadda yadda yadda.  Just more excuses that I'm not even buying into myself.  I just don't move enough to burn off what I eat.  And I am not going to start that line of thinking because I'm not going to start calling myself names again.  This is when I start calling myself lazy and stupid etc and I am better than that.

I'm trying a new line of thinking - just started so haven't seen any results yet - but it is interesting.   I'm thinking of my alter ego or inner child or whatever as a princess.  Now we all know that princesses deserve the very best of everything (in a nice way, of course).  My princess deserves nice nails, nice hair, good healthy food, plenty to drink, a reasonable bedtime....etc etc.  In some instances I think of the late Princess Diana and how glamourous she always looked.  Now that is really unrealistic for me, but I can use elements of it for my purposes and I'm sure she won't mind!  I want the best body I can make using what I have.  I want to gain it by using the princess idea rather than by being hard on myself, by making health something to be desired and aimed for.  Just the opposite of calling myself names and berating myself for not doing more than I can do.

It was novel reading the papers and listening to music for a change.  I seldom remember to put the mp3 on when I'm reading.  The Sunday papers are something I really look forward to and enjoy.  We did a couple of errands and then just had a peaceful, quiet day.

I finished reading 'Masquerade' on Saturday.  At last.  It was such heavy going - one of those where you think it has to get better or have a great ending.  Wrong.  Ah well.  I hate to not finish a book.  Then I picked up a paperback off the shelf, read a few pages and put it in the giveaway pile.  I didn't like the author's style at all.  Just couldn't follow it.  So what sounded like a good book is not going to be read.  The next one I chose looked familiar because I'd already read it and remembered too much to read it again.  I have now started another one.

Our library often sells unwanted books at 5 for a £1.  Chel and I load up on anything that looks halfway interresting.  We had them to a charity shop when we no longer want them.  And if a supermarket has a book sale where paperbacks and £! each we ususally get a few.  Thus I still have some to choose from.  Then I can go check out the local library again!

I'm not doing at all well with the weight.  Yesterday I wanted salt.  I made fried spuds with ground salt then ate salted cashew nuts.  Don't want to step on the scales this morning. 

After all the depression that I've had, it is so nice to be able to sincerely say that it has been a wonderful day again.  And even more wonderful to realise that I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow.  That is new thing for me and a really huge step forward.  Long may it last.  But even if it doesn't last, I will remember it and store the memory for when I need it.

I didn't do anything special today, just made the most of every minute.  And it was a 'hungry day'  where I wanted to eat all day. So I kept drinking instead.  I have realised that I deserve to be slimmer and healthier.  Get that?  I deserve something good.  That knowledge is really helping with food control, even on a day like today when I did eat too much.  But as I didn't buy any crisps I like or any bakery stuff, it wasn't there to eat.  I even used light cream cheese on my raisin bread and liked it.  I always have butter on it and more often than not toast it as well.  So cream cheese is a wonderful move in the right direction.

and warm today.  Two friends and I had coffee at a garden centre and it was expensive......I bought a loaf of oatmeal bread (absolutely yummy), a quarter of a big watermelon and an apple and blackberry pie for another friend. We had coffee in the garden area and it was perfect - very sunny and warm but not too hot.  We had a great chat and catch up.  We all worked together a few years ago and meet up a several times a year.

I managed to weed the path and flower bed at the back of the house.  The whole area looks twice as wide now.  It was worth the effort of getting those pesky weeds under the blackberry bush.

I've just looked at how many people have visited this site and want to thank you all for taking the time to have a look.

And congratulations to my son for making the Dean's List.  I'm one proud mother - as always.

because I was up at stupid o'clock this morning.  I don't do six am unless I'm going to bed then.  But hey, there you go.

I forgot to weigh myself today so will do it tomorrow but I don't think i've lost anything this week.  I just feel that it means that I have another week of being hea

It's been a pleasant day overall.  Errands, ironing etc.  I even did all the paperwork and filing so the desk and drawers are so much nicer.

I also took time for a manicure and pedicure.  It was time to pamper myself a little bit and it felt good.

Whiile I was puttering about last night and this morning I realised how much I'm still affected by things my mother said and thought.  And how it isn't fair to blame her, really.  She wasn't perfect but she did the best she could.  She had her mother's input from when she was a child as well as her own life experiences to contend with.  She didn't have an easy life by a long shot.  I think it was Maya Angelou who said that we did the best we could and when we knew better we did better.  That applies to all of us.  So while I do still have issues regarding this long deceased lady, I'm trying hard to let go of any lingering resentment that I might have.  I'm trying to grow up and think for myself, to replace her perceived thinking with my own considered opinions.  Not what anyone else thinks, but to find out what I think.  At the tender age of sixty five I'm finally trying to find my feet.  To work  out what I like and don't like.  This does not mean that I don't consider other peoples feelings and needs; it's far more basic than that.

And one of my discoveries this morning during the manicure was that I do deserve the best things in life.  Even something as small as a nail varnish.  I can have one nice one rather than the cheapest ones if I want to.  I can choose what to have instead of going for what I've always done - get myself the cheapest and think even that was more than I should have.  No more.  If I can't afford to have what I'd like, then I might just choose to do without rather than settle for less.   I'm better than just the bottom of the barrel.  And I have also looked at my wardrobe and realise that I've been living up to that determination for a while.  I might get clothes in the sales ( I love, love, love bargains) but I only buy what I like and want to wear.  If I don't really like it, I don't buy it.  Every day I put on something that makes me feel good.