about why I leave things to the last minute so often and then have to rush to get ready to go out or to get something done. For example: I have to have something done before 2.30pm. I know this the night before. I'm up early enough to have hours to do it. So what do I do? I spend ages on the computer reading and playing games instead of getting dressed and doing what I 'need' to get done. Or I need to leave the house at 10.30, am up early enough to get showered and ready leisurely. Do I get ready - nope, not until I have to hurry to get sorted and out the door. And it does not make me happy or make me feel good about myself. So why do I do it? This is what I have been pondering this morning.
I don't really have any answers yet....but maybe as I write this some clarity will come. Maybe not. Maybe someone else has this problem as well - many times I find that what I thought was a shameful failing of mine and mine alone is acutally a very common issue with a lot of other people.
I'm convinced that part of the cause is a need to put myself under stress. Sounds silly, I know, but I grew up not knowing anything but stress, fear and pressure. Whether is was real or percieived doesn't matter, the result is the same. So now when I am not under stress I do find that I make it for myself. It is harmful to me and serves no other purpose that to make me feel 'normal' in a strange way. I don't fully understand this well enough to expalin it so it makes sense.
We tend as humans to live in our comfort zone. My comfort zone is one with lots of stress. But although it is my comfort zone, it no longer serves me well and I need to recognise it and change it to one that 'fits my current needs'. I have a fairly peaceful life and not much real stress. I'm not going to be hungry unless I am to lazy to feed myself. I have a warm home, clothes to wear and people around me who love me and are not judgemental. I'm the only judgemental one here. I have a dog who loves me as I am (he's asleep at my feet as I write this).
Yes, there is always something that 'needs' doing; some cleaning, tidying, cooking, laundry, gardening and the like. But the house is reasonably tidy and clean. Not perfect but you don't have to fight your way in or feel afraid to use a cup. Remember that my idea of the perfect home is a showhome. Andy says we live in a home not a showhome and that's how he likes it. And to tell the truth, I am not always physically well enough to keep this place as perfect as I'd like it to be. I used to spend all my time and energy away from work doing house work with no hobbies. Now I'd rather 'play' than do house work for the most part. I won't let it get toooooo bad but no longer make it the centre of my life.
Right now the living room is dusty and needs a good going over. It's fairly tidy, the bins are empty and it was vacuumed a couple days ago. It would actually be less stressful to get down and spend 15-30 minutes doing it and making it shine, then feeling happy. Instead I'm up here writing about it......go figure. That, putting away one basket of folded laundry, vacuuming upstairs and taking out one empty box are all that needs doing to make the house as good as it gets without getting out the paint etc. But it can wait. And there is the problem. These things aren't urgent in one way. If I do them, I'm done and have nothing else that I 'have to do'. I now wonder if I fear having nothing to do. But that's silly because I can always find things to do, read a book, stitch, do a puzzle, play a game, a gazillion and one things to fill time.
And no one but me cares if those jobs get done or not. If the others think it needs doing bad enough they will pitch in and do it (or if I ask them to do it for me). Well, the vacuuming anyway. So why do I stress about it? Why do I leave it until later? And moreover, why do I judge myself and value myself by what I achieve and do?
I'm going now to do some of these small tasks and see what answers I come up with. When I get answers to my ponderings I'll post them on here.....maybe.
I don't really have any answers yet....but maybe as I write this some clarity will come. Maybe not. Maybe someone else has this problem as well - many times I find that what I thought was a shameful failing of mine and mine alone is acutally a very common issue with a lot of other people.
I'm convinced that part of the cause is a need to put myself under stress. Sounds silly, I know, but I grew up not knowing anything but stress, fear and pressure. Whether is was real or percieived doesn't matter, the result is the same. So now when I am not under stress I do find that I make it for myself. It is harmful to me and serves no other purpose that to make me feel 'normal' in a strange way. I don't fully understand this well enough to expalin it so it makes sense.
We tend as humans to live in our comfort zone. My comfort zone is one with lots of stress. But although it is my comfort zone, it no longer serves me well and I need to recognise it and change it to one that 'fits my current needs'. I have a fairly peaceful life and not much real stress. I'm not going to be hungry unless I am to lazy to feed myself. I have a warm home, clothes to wear and people around me who love me and are not judgemental. I'm the only judgemental one here. I have a dog who loves me as I am (he's asleep at my feet as I write this).
Yes, there is always something that 'needs' doing; some cleaning, tidying, cooking, laundry, gardening and the like. But the house is reasonably tidy and clean. Not perfect but you don't have to fight your way in or feel afraid to use a cup. Remember that my idea of the perfect home is a showhome. Andy says we live in a home not a showhome and that's how he likes it. And to tell the truth, I am not always physically well enough to keep this place as perfect as I'd like it to be. I used to spend all my time and energy away from work doing house work with no hobbies. Now I'd rather 'play' than do house work for the most part. I won't let it get toooooo bad but no longer make it the centre of my life.
Right now the living room is dusty and needs a good going over. It's fairly tidy, the bins are empty and it was vacuumed a couple days ago. It would actually be less stressful to get down and spend 15-30 minutes doing it and making it shine, then feeling happy. Instead I'm up here writing about it......go figure. That, putting away one basket of folded laundry, vacuuming upstairs and taking out one empty box are all that needs doing to make the house as good as it gets without getting out the paint etc. But it can wait. And there is the problem. These things aren't urgent in one way. If I do them, I'm done and have nothing else that I 'have to do'. I now wonder if I fear having nothing to do. But that's silly because I can always find things to do, read a book, stitch, do a puzzle, play a game, a gazillion and one things to fill time.
And no one but me cares if those jobs get done or not. If the others think it needs doing bad enough they will pitch in and do it (or if I ask them to do it for me). Well, the vacuuming anyway. So why do I stress about it? Why do I leave it until later? And moreover, why do I judge myself and value myself by what I achieve and do?
I'm going now to do some of these small tasks and see what answers I come up with. When I get answers to my ponderings I'll post them on here.....maybe.
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