but another productive day. Did all the ironing and then went shopping with Chel for several hours - she asked me to go yesterday and I promised to go today instead.
Why does a day have to be productive to feel good? I remember from early in life that I had to do all my work before I could play. There was always more to do......and I still don't like to go out until I've done what I should do first. Andy likes to go out first the do whatever needs to be done once he's back home! Neither of us is right or wrong, it's just different. But ususally we do it my way 'cause I'm more relaxed.
Because I could never do things well enough as a kid, I seldom know what success feels like. And yet I do so many things successfully every day...... Is this feeling of failure why I won't tackle an eating plan? Why I won't join the weight loss group on crossstitchforum? I don't want to have to admit that I haven't lost any weight. And I refuse to lie about it - I simply can't do that. And the others in the group couldn't care less; ;they'd be as encouraging as anyone could possibly be. I have so many supporters ready to help me if only I'd commit myself to doing it. Or is it because I don't let myself do nice things for ME. It would be just for me that I'd lose weight and get fitter. It would be time and effort spent just on me. I'm not comfortable doing things 'just for me', in some way it is selfish. Does that come from childhood as well as so may other flawed beliefs? I do now recognise that it is a flawed belief. (I have lots of them, or had you already noticed
I don't fully enjoy some of the nice luxuries that I have because I don't feel that I deserve them somehow. Andy and Chel constantly assure me that I do deserve nice things. And I do use them and take excellent care of them. Part of me knows that I deserve them just because I'm me. Part of me still, after all this time, thinks I'm worthless. Just part of me. But it may really be the controlling part, I don't know. I shouldn't judge myself so much by what I do, but it's my only validattion but it's the only yardstick that I have.
Why does a day have to be productive to feel good? I remember from early in life that I had to do all my work before I could play. There was always more to do......and I still don't like to go out until I've done what I should do first. Andy likes to go out first the do whatever needs to be done once he's back home! Neither of us is right or wrong, it's just different. But ususally we do it my way 'cause I'm more relaxed.
Because I could never do things well enough as a kid, I seldom know what success feels like. And yet I do so many things successfully every day...... Is this feeling of failure why I won't tackle an eating plan? Why I won't join the weight loss group on crossstitchforum? I don't want to have to admit that I haven't lost any weight. And I refuse to lie about it - I simply can't do that. And the others in the group couldn't care less; ;they'd be as encouraging as anyone could possibly be. I have so many supporters ready to help me if only I'd commit myself to doing it. Or is it because I don't let myself do nice things for ME. It would be just for me that I'd lose weight and get fitter. It would be time and effort spent just on me. I'm not comfortable doing things 'just for me', in some way it is selfish. Does that come from childhood as well as so may other flawed beliefs? I do now recognise that it is a flawed belief. (I have lots of them, or had you already noticed
I don't fully enjoy some of the nice luxuries that I have because I don't feel that I deserve them somehow. Andy and Chel constantly assure me that I do deserve nice things. And I do use them and take excellent care of them. Part of me knows that I deserve them just because I'm me. Part of me still, after all this time, thinks I'm worthless. Just part of me. But it may really be the controlling part, I don't know. I shouldn't judge myself so much by what I do, but it's my only validattion but it's the only yardstick that I have.
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