When I didn't get mad at myself yesterday, play the blame game, or tell myself I was stupid for losing some work, that was real progress.
You see, I have to do everything perfectly. No room for me to just do 'well enough', everything has to be perfect. I mean, how stupid is that thinking? That was the message I picked up as a kid and it's still there in my head unconsciously affecting my actions ever since. There is every liklihood that I misinterpreted the messages I got ( I think I'm being kind saying that) but that's what I've been striving for all my life. And what a waste of time and effort.
The result of that imprinting is that I can never really relax and enjoy things fully.. If I'm stitching or reading a book part of me is on about things that I should be doing. Useful things. Like polishing mirrors or cleaning ceiling lights! Weeding the recently weeded garden. I can always come up with something to give myself grief over. I've had many many years practice.
Yesterday was really pleasant. I met a friend for a coffee in a cafe, went to a garden centre with my husband and another friend, then came home and walked Stevie until pain in my hips made us head home.
Thinking about what I've just written made me think about Stevie on his walk. He is obviously interested in nothing other than what he's doing and where I am. Sniffing, marking, running to catch up with me or just ambling about nose down, he's fully absorbed in every moment. It's wonderful to see. And me...my brain is always going twenty to the dozen. All sorts of stuff. Sometimes it's good like yesterday, looking outward and seeing the beauty of nature around me. Feeling the warmth and comfort. Enjoying the luxury of having a dog that can be 'off the lead' and well behaved. But most walks aren't like that for me. My mind is full of "Why didn't you bring him out earlier?" "What are you really going to do about making a good meal?" "You'd be healthier if you did this more often" and the usual "You haven't done much today, you lazy cow" or words like that. Sometimes, but less often, I'll praise myself. But only if I've been busy doing proper stuff like housework, ironing, gardening..you know, real stuff. Taking care of myslelf by doing my nails, reading, resting, having a bath; none of that counts at all. And that is so very very sad.
Let's see if I can improve the mental situation over the coming few weeks and become more like Stevie.
You see, I have to do everything perfectly. No room for me to just do 'well enough', everything has to be perfect. I mean, how stupid is that thinking? That was the message I picked up as a kid and it's still there in my head unconsciously affecting my actions ever since. There is every liklihood that I misinterpreted the messages I got ( I think I'm being kind saying that) but that's what I've been striving for all my life. And what a waste of time and effort.
The result of that imprinting is that I can never really relax and enjoy things fully.. If I'm stitching or reading a book part of me is on about things that I should be doing. Useful things. Like polishing mirrors or cleaning ceiling lights! Weeding the recently weeded garden. I can always come up with something to give myself grief over. I've had many many years practice.
Yesterday was really pleasant. I met a friend for a coffee in a cafe, went to a garden centre with my husband and another friend, then came home and walked Stevie until pain in my hips made us head home.
Thinking about what I've just written made me think about Stevie on his walk. He is obviously interested in nothing other than what he's doing and where I am. Sniffing, marking, running to catch up with me or just ambling about nose down, he's fully absorbed in every moment. It's wonderful to see. And me...my brain is always going twenty to the dozen. All sorts of stuff. Sometimes it's good like yesterday, looking outward and seeing the beauty of nature around me. Feeling the warmth and comfort. Enjoying the luxury of having a dog that can be 'off the lead' and well behaved. But most walks aren't like that for me. My mind is full of "Why didn't you bring him out earlier?" "What are you really going to do about making a good meal?" "You'd be healthier if you did this more often" and the usual "You haven't done much today, you lazy cow" or words like that. Sometimes, but less often, I'll praise myself. But only if I've been busy doing proper stuff like housework, ironing, gardening..you know, real stuff. Taking care of myslelf by doing my nails, reading, resting, having a bath; none of that counts at all. And that is so very very sad.
Let's see if I can improve the mental situation over the coming few weeks and become more like Stevie.
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