My poor hubby has just had a big disappointment this morning.  My heart aches for him but there isn't anything I can do other than be here for him which he knows I am.  He feels that he let himself and us down but of course he hasn't.  He didn't pass a driving test for the Class 2 HGV.  He can re-do it and will do. It's a shock to us all.
Other than that things are okay.

I wrote that yesterday but wasn't able to continue.  It's not earth shattering, just a major disappointment.  But life goes on - he has a problem with mini roundabouts in the lorry as he can't get his head around going over then rather than trying to get around them although he knows really that you simply cannot go around them....science and all that good stuff.

My wonderful friend Agi just put a cross stitch pattern on her blog for me.  I'm so touched at her kindness.  I know she's kind and all that, and love her to bits, but never expected a pattern!

I've added a new page where I've listed some of the blogs I  subscribe to regularly.  I use Google Reader so that they are all in one place when I want to look at any of them.   I just don't spend nearly as much time on the pc as I did several months ago.  I don't know what I do with my time, actually.....

I'm really in a time of change.  With Andy not working at all and especially working nights, I find it hard to get into a routine since our holiday.  That will come with time, I know.  And he will go back to work when he finishes his training - he is determined about that and I know he will take whatever job he has to take.

I've done a lot of rearranging around the house, moving furniture upstairs, sorting through wardrobes and shoes (mine) and got rid of a lot.  Today I will tackle my sock drawer and get rid of all the tights I used to have for work.  A lot never did fit and sure don't now.  I might bin them all and just buy one set of the right size rather than trying on umpteen old pairs. to see which ones are wearable and fit. And also go through all the socks.  They have spread to two drawers - ones I wear and ones I don't.  How dumb is that?  I guess I hate to throw stuff away 'just in case I need it someday'.   Duh.  If I do need it I would probably go out and buy new anyway not wear old stuff.

So I'm off to start my day again and see what happens next in

because I'm falling back into some bad habits.  No, not seriously bad ones, just lazy ones.  It's making me miserable as well.  Maybe writing on here will help me kick start myself again and also may help me to see why I'm doing this to myself.  My fingers aren't co-operating very well so there will probably be lots of mistakes that I don't catch in my typing.  The backspace is the most used key this morning!

I don't want to face these thoughts at all; they are painful to admit - even to myself.  But here goes anyway.(and I am aware that I'm not the only person on earth to have these problems to some degree at some time.) 

I'm still not showered and dressed four hours after I got up.  Need to wait for the bathroom to *air* before I can go in there to wash right now.  The thing is that I can't be bothered to shower before I go to bed, then can't get dressed first thing in the am since I feel dirty and smelly.  So I potter around, waste time, talk to Andy, watch some TV, play a game, and so on and on and on.....then it's afternoon.    But the worst part is what it is doing to me  stress wise.  I am hoping no one comes to the door.  I am ashamed of myself.  I can't just go outside or go anywhere.  My clothes are clean and ready to wear, that isn't really an issue.  My nightwear is comfy - but so are my other clothes.  They are all easy to grab, yadda yadda yadda.

So WHY ON EARTH am I not showering and dressing when I get up?  I just don't know.  It wasn't a problem when I worked - of course showering, making up and dressing up were the normal routine during the week.  Weekends were different though.  Maybe because I had nowhere to go and no one to see?  Because I didn't have to get dressed?  Because I deserved to be a slob?  Because it's my basic nature?   Because Flylady.net says get dressed to shoes every day and I hate wearing shoes? (I like Flylady and what she says does work and make sense.)

Well, whatever the reason, it is no longer valid since it is not making me happy.  I've been becoming more and more aware of this for the past few weeks or more.  I don't think it is to do with my depression other than making it worse. 

Some of this stems, I suspect, from not wanting to get dressed and spoil my clothes around the house.....but I have clothes specifically for around the house that  CAN  get spoiled without it mattering in the least and they fit, are comfy and look good on me.  I have plenty of make up and creams so that isn't a problem either.  I have a space to get dressed etc and a nice bathroom with nice towels and products to use.  I have no demands on my time to stop me from caring for myself more.  More money would not help - it's a mental thing.

The cure?  Get clean and get moving.  Make plans to go somewhere every day as a carrot.  JUST DO IT.  I feel better when I'm clean and dressed as well as less stressed.  I do more and eat better.

The other thing I've been doing is putting jobs off till later.  Three days to put away a basket of clean, folded and sorted laundry.  It took just a few minutes, but I had to push myself to do it. 

I've been quite busy and stressed this past few weeks due to Hubby's job/training situation, but that isn't a full reason or excuse as the problem has been going on for longer than that.  I just didn't want to admit it to anyone else or even really to myself.  By putting it on here might, I hope, spur me on to improve.

I'm a good, kind and caring person who just wants herself to be perfect in every way.  Maybe wanting to be perfect in every way is the problem in itself.  A rebellion?  I don't know.

I really didn't mean to leave it this long between posts.  I don't know exactly what I've been doing, but whatever it was it wasn't posting on here!  or anywhere else for that matter.

I'm felling pretty good this morning and have stacks of 'stuff' I'd like to get done today.  Yep, "would like to get done today".  That is NOT the same as I will get it done today. 

Sorry about any typos.  I've moved all the furniture in this room around over the past couple days and even the keyboard feel different.  The room obviously needs tweaking but I think I like it this way, although I don't know if I like the window in front of me......with the light in front rather than behind/beside me.  Ah well.

I've lost a stone now - 14 pounds to some readers.  It's taken a while but I'm delighted about it.  It is a good start for me.  I'm not following a diet but am trying to think before I pop something into my mouth.  I came back from holiday four pounds heavier, but two days later I was back where I left.  There was a very unflattering mirror in our hotel room that forced me to face some unpleasant facts about my body.  One of those is that I do not look like Cindy Crawford or Julia Roberts.  But that's okay because I'm me.  I was able to look at my body and not beat myself up about it.  I could look at it and think that I've let it get into a poor state without being negative, accepting that it is what it is.  I am now trying hard to treat it better.

I had a wonderful massage in Egypt with hot oils then one with hot stones.  OOOHHHHH, it felt wonderful.  I'd love to do it again.  I had no pain at all in the hips for days afterwards.  My skin really felt good too.  So I've been using more lotion, but haven't found one in my stash that really does the same job yet.  Never fear, I have loads more to try.

We had the most wonderful holiday at Sharm el Sheikh in Egypt.  But I'm glad to be hoME as I always am after a break.  There is so much to write about that it will take several days to even remember it all. 

Firstly, every member of the staff treated us so well; they made us laugh with them and served us as if we were family.  That helped so much with the overall enjoyment.