some j=of the changes in my daily routines since I retired in 2007.  It's a strange thing to think about.....but as the others were going up to bed it occured to me that this is when I used to start my housework.   Chel didn't live here and Andy would have left for work for the night.  So I did all the cleaning, laundry and the like at night.  And I'd sit with the computer until the early hours.  Then Chel came home and things changed again.  She worked days and he worked through the night.  I struggled to get things done without disturbing one or the other of them.  Now they both work days and so therefore can I.  I'm loving it.  I'm having a great time having the house to myself during the day.  I can choose what to do and when to do it, as well as going out or having company without need to consider disturbing anyone else.

thanks to the meds working as they should (and me taking them regularly).  So that is that is that done and dusted.  This did prove to me that Omeprazole really works for me. 

Now on to the rest of what's been going on in my head and life.  I've finally faced and accepted a couple things that have caused me a lot of stress and ill health.

I've known for a long time that I have control issues.  I can't let go.  I want things done right; I do my best to do things to the best of my ability. That is hard to live up to as well as to live with. Now I am facing it head on: I am trying hard to be more flexible and lower my expectations from myself and everyone else.  80% can be fine.  Everything does not have to be 100% and my life will improve once I am able to adopt that in every area of my life.

I dread painting around the house because I know I won't get it "right" by which I mean done to professional standards.  Well, that has kept me from even starting for over a year.  So sad.  Everyone else praises what I've done, I am happy with the overall result but I am too aware of the flaws.  I foucus on the wrong things.  I'm finally accepting that this is all part of me and refuse to let it stop me doing things anymore.  Fresh white paint not perfectly done beats grubby yellowing paint (that wasn't perfectly done either).

I now see that the areas of my life that I beat myself up over most are not in fact flaws to be corrected but are actually an innate part of me to be accepted and loved.  It took a lot of tears and the loving words of a dear friend to make me understand this.  The knowledge is very freeing.  The easiest way to describe this is to say I suddenly saw things from a new angle instead of straight on.  I hope I remember this lesson which has taken so long to learn and incorporate it into my daily thoughts.

Another area that has been causing me stress without me being aware of it is my moderating.  I've let it become a time consuming chore rather than a pleasure.  I need to let go of it and let new people deal with it.  They won't do it MY way and that is fine.  There is no one perfect way to do it......(can't believe I really said that when my head says if it isn't done my way it's not right!)..and other people can do it very well.  As I now see that this is a stressor for me I've chosen to give it up completely and walk away from it.  I've met some lovely people through it but as they have become friends I hope they will stay in my life.   I have been here before but chose to give it another go against the advice of those who know and love me best......will I ever learn that they do really have my best interests at heart?  I appreciate how hard it has been for them lately not to say "Told You So" but to make their point clearly nonetheless.  They are glad I've made the decision to stop doing it. 

I've been under the weather in so many ways for a while now.  Here's hoping that things will start improving quickly now and that I can find the full enjoyment of life as it can be.

I'm thankful for family and friends who love me.  Thank you all.  I know some of you read this.

This pain is enough to make me angry.  It's a severe heartburn like I haven't felt for a couple of years.  I'm trying not to swear......because it is all my fault for running out of my magic pills.  I ran out a few days ago and had to wait until Monday to order more, and then you have to wait 48 hours for the surgery to process them.  By then I was totally miserable.  Chel said to see if the chemist could help - I've known him twenty years or so - and he let me have four to keep me going.  I got all my meds this afternoon less the four he let me have in advance.  I'm so grateful to a) Chel for telling me to ring him and b) Mr Shah for his help.  They are working but it takes a few days to build up or whatever so hopefully I'll keep improving over the next few days.

With that and all the other aches and pains I'm not coping too well.  I've given up moderating for the time being as I just don't have the patience to do it now.  I'm doing the housework slowly and gently, doing mostly a bit at a time.  I'm looking forward to getting out and about again.  I was enjoying my newfound 'freedom' and being outside the house.  Having said that things could be far worse so I'm grateful for what I do have and what I can do.  I owe thanks to other moderators at various levels who are taking over to give me a break.

On the cross stich forum someone mentioned that the Transworld Book Challenge was starting again.  It's historical fiction this time.  I was lucky enough to be accepted and am reading a lovely new copy of The Queen's Secret by Victoria Lamb.  So far, only a chapter in, I am really enjoying it.  It will  be a joy to read

I've just ordered eight - yes 8- books from Amazon for my Kindle.  Well at twenty pence each you have to if you read as much as I do.  Okay, I might or might not like them when I read them but I won't know till I try.  I have found some authors I like in the free books both from Amazon and from other sites.  I'm always up for new books.  I am too curious to pass up anthing that looks interesting to me.  I'm such a saddo that I have the kindle app on my phone.  If I find myself out without my kindle I have a book that I'm only reading on my phone!  Yes, I do have a life and don't need the comment to get a life. 

It's been a busy week suprisingly.  I've been out and about a lot both alone and with friends. Spent most of a day in bed unwell but hey, that's what I get for overdoing things.   I had a lovely bithday lunch with a friend even if it was a week after her special day.  Sue is always good fun.

Wimbledon has been interesting so far.  I've managed to watch some for a change and enjoyed it.  I've also watched most of Euro 2012 since Andy and Chel have watched it.  (Dare I admit to enjoying it???)   The final is on now and I'm sitting with a bottle of Buck's Fizz, my laptop and the telly in front of me.  We had a nice dinner of steak and jacket potato with sour cream so I'm stuffed.  Fresh cherries for afters - later.  I got a big box for £2 which was an amazing bargain at closing time on the open air market in town.  Yum yum.  I've already had a couple bowls of them.

I'm off now to enjoy cleaning up the kitchen.  It won't take long and is so pretty and comfy when it's done.