but another productive day.  Did all the ironing and then went shopping with Chel for several hours - she asked me to go yesterday and I promised to go today instead.

Why does a day have to be productive to feel good?  I remember from early in life that I had to do all my work before I could play.  There was always more to do......and I still don't like to go out until I've done what I should do first.  Andy likes to go out first the do whatever needs to be done once he's back home!  Neither of us is right or wrong, it's just different.  But ususally we do it my way 'cause I'm more relaxed.

Because I could never do things well enough as a kid, I seldom know what success feels like.  And yet I do so many things successfully every day......  Is this feeling of failure why I won't tackle an eating plan?  Why I won't join the weight loss group on crossstitchforum?  I don't want to have to admit that I haven't lost any weight.  And I refuse to lie about it - I simply can't do that.  And the others in the group couldn't care less; ;they'd be as encouraging as anyone could possibly  be.  I have so many supporters ready to help me if only I'd commit myself to doing it.   Or is it because I don't let myself do nice things for ME. It would be just for me that I'd lose weight and get fitter. It would be time and effort spent just on me. I'm not comfortable doing things 'just for me', in some way it is selfish.  Does that come from childhood as well as so may other flawed beliefs?  I do now recognise that it is a flawed belief.  (I have lots of them,  or had you already noticed

I don't fully enjoy some of the nice luxuries that I have because I don't feel that I deserve them somehow.  Andy and Chel constantly assure me that I do deserve nice things.  And I do use them and take excellent care of them.  Part of me knows that I deserve them just because I'm me.  Part of me still, after all this time, thinks I'm worthless.  Just part of me.  But it may really be the controlling part, I don't know.  I shouldn't judge myself so much by what I do, but it's my only validattion but it's the only yardstick that I have.

and so far it is.  I got up and visiting the sites I visit every day, crossstitchforum, facebook, my email, and anything else I see a link to that appreals to me.

I have no set plans for today.  The monster basket of ironing is waiting - and can keep right on waiting - because it it's nice out then I want to sit on my swing and listen to music and if it isn't then I'll read, do some cross stitch at last, or play catch up on tv.  All that is after I read both Sunday papers.  The Sunday papers are my weekend treat.  So now I'm off for a coffee and a read.

Okay now, done that and also tried to sort out iTunes and Windows Meida Player.  Deep and abiding joy that (didn't) bring.  How on earth can you delete every duplicate on itunes and then find out that you have over 7000 duplicated items on it.  And can't find some albums that you KNOW you have on there?  Those damn gremlins.  My mp3 player will only download playlists from WMP although I can download music from itunes.  Andy needs the itunes for his ipod.  Ah well.  Of such is life.

I am having major problems liking my hair today.  My lovely hairdresser Rose did just what I asked.  I wanted to go lighter and have highlights and a cut.  I gave her a free hand and no help at all with what I wanted for a cut.  It is a beautiful cut and looks great but now I think it is a tad too short - nothing that a week or two won't cure.  So as you can tell it isn't an earth shattering problem.  But the colour is.  99% of it is fab.  Just the fringe (bangs) are a bit too orangey for my taste.  It is't screaming orange or anything, and she DID have to go over red.  But the family say it's fine and I know it will look different in a few days.  It always takes time to settle and for me to get used to it.  Suddenly catching sight of myself in a mirror unexpectedly is a shock as it always is when I have new highlights.  Mostly I dye my hair myself but red.  Then that fades to a darkish browny sort of colour.

I'm off to play with my phone now to see if I can get it to do wha

When I took my mobile phone in to ask about the short battery life they said to download taskkiller.  I did and use it every time I do anything with my phone.  The battery is lasting a couple of days now.  Of course, I've hardly used it for games since I've been so tired. 

Andy and I have been decorating the lounge the past two days.  I love what we've achieved and tomorrow I will finish the last wall and touch ups.  Andy hang both my tapesties on the fireplace wall and I'm so thrilled to see them hanging together.  They were in different rooms before.

My eating is worse than ever, two meals out, one takeaway chinese, cream cakes bought for me....etc etc. and too tired to bother with healty choices when I snack.  When I'm too busy/tired/trying to get something done I snack rather than eat a meal but I usually try to use moderation.

And I have a very sore insect bite on my leg.  Went to the nurse when it got so red and angry but it's okay.  She said to use a particular cream on it even though I'm already taking antihistamines.  Ah well, such is life.  But I'm he

I've spent the last couple of house mostly on the phone with my broadband suppliers tech help desk.  The first lady tried but reading from her script wasn't much help.  Then I got a bloke who seemed to know what he was talking about.  Well, he got me online but we'll see how long it lasts this time.  I've been having intermittent problems with it and get fed up.

And to make matters worse I'm so sore  - arms and legs - from weeding nettles.  But how do you wear jeans and long sleeve shirts in this heat?  Oh, leave it until a cool day.....why the thunder didn't I think of that sooner?

Well, I stayed sore and the next morning I'm still itchy.  Two showers haven't solved the problem, nor have two different creams.  It's not bad enough for me to use calamine lotion - yet.

Last night was not the most pleasant I've ever had.  It was nigh on eleven when I finally go the internet all sorted out and working.  That's a long time.  I had to create a new profile in Firefox and transfer over some of my setting, but I didn't get them transferred properly so have no bookmarks. It's a nuisance as I had some I really wanted.  I can try again one of these days, they aren't lost forever if I can be bothered to recover them. 

It's cooler today so I'm off to hit the housework and ironing at last.  Then I can finally make a start on painting and papering the lounge. Roll on.

Spent part of today in the local shpppong centre - on such a fine day - because Chel bought a new sundress at the beginning of May in case we had this weather.  She wore it for a short while yesterday and the stupid plastic ring that holds the strap to the dress broke.  Such a tiny delicate plastic thing.  So idiotic.  We took it back and they would only excange it.  I know, we could have made a fuss but couldn't be bothered.  ALL the sundresses were made the same way, as were they in another shop.  So she gets a new dress and we have to sew the straps to the body of the dress before she can wear it.  How bad is that?

Instead of an iced fruit thing at Costa (they had no ice) we went to BB's and had iced cappuchino.  It was amazing.  Will have that again.  Definitely.

Anyway, what I was going to write about is that I wear stappy camisole tops around the house and abroad on holidays.  I don't wear them shopping without something over them because of my age and weight.  Today I decided "To hell with it. I'm me." and wore one - and was comfortable for a change.  Well, as I did my usual people watching thing I saw all sorts of women in all sorts of clothes who seemed perfectly happy.  I know looks are deceiving and I looked happy as well.  They came in all shapes and sizes and wore all sorts of clothes.  It showed me that there is really no right and wrong under normal circumstances like shopping.

I have an image that I'd like to present based on what other people wear.   But that isn't me.  I don't know who I am or what I want to look like.  I don't think I really have a style.  But writing this, I guess I do.  It is casual and easy to wear.  Neat and tidy.  Never scruffy but never elegant either.  I don't know what I'd choose if I were a size 16 or smaller where I had more choices, but I doubt that it would be much different. 

Then comes the issue of 'body image'.  I look in the mirror and it's bad but not that bad when I'm face onto the mirror.  And I don't really see myself from the sides very much, do I?  My fat is more obvious to me from the side.  Hubby says I'm not as big as I think I am, but it's what I see and know that has to count.  I need to really get real with myself about how bad my size is.  I want to get real about it becasue you can't heal what you don't accept.  I've had enough of being this fat.  It won't make me a 'better' person or anything like that but it will make the inner and outer me a closer match.  And I am delibleratly using the word "fat" because that is how I think of it.  No good using kinder words when I'm trying to face up to reality.

I'm not trying to beat myself up over size and weight either. What is, is.  It's what I'm going to do for myself to cure ti

It is a fantastic sunny, windless day.  Absolutely perfect.  We did the food shopping so we wouldn't have to do it over the weekend.  I'm so glad we did as it has been a stunning weekend over all.  I'm truly thankful for it.  I feel so relaxed, moreso than ususal. 

I actually sat and listened to music.  Not reading or stitching, weeding or anything else.  Just sat still.  I don't do sitting still very often.  I'm trying to learn though.  If I'm sitting I have the TV on or am doing something.  Listening to music doesn't count as doing anything to me. It's just background.  So now I am trying to consciously listen, really listen to it.  And get my enjoyment back.  I'm so very out of touch with what's going on in music these days.  I haven't really listened to anything new since "Il Divo".  Music was always a big thing for me before I got depressed.

Why when i'm doing one job I get distracted into doing another?  Just now, for instance. I was working on the family website. I've been trying to find photos to use, as I have been for a few days.  All the photos on my pc are 'supposed' to be in one folder.  Oh yeah, like that's where they really are.  Apparently downloaded photos don't count as photos on my system.  Very helpful I must say since downloaded ones are the ones I've been looking for.

And I don't bother to put pictures in proper albums and folders when I import them from the camera or scanner.  Can you see where this is going yet?  Yep.  I have just spent an hour trying to rename all the folders that just had dates on them.  That was bad enough but I still need to put all of one thing together.  There are pictures from the Balloon Flight in at least three folders.  Why? 

So I have made up my mind to finally sort that lot out.  And there are a lot of them to go through.  If no one can find me, try looking in Picasa!

Why, I wonder, do I do it?  I get all caught up with doing something and do it too much.
Reading a book.  I start one a read quite a bit and put it down while I do something else.  The when I pick it up again, I don't stop until I finish,  fall asleep or HAVE to do something immediately.  Then there's the cross stitch.  Pick it up, start it, and don't move for hours unless nature calls or Stevie drives me mad begging for attention.  I've been know to stay up till 3 am more than once because I'm engrossed in what I'm doing (and it can be anything, even TV).  And now the computer again.  I'm on the pc every spare moment.  Not just because of this site; I've been on the computer more and more lately.  A couple years ago I was on here at all hours, but then cut right back and started doing something else. 

Today I managed to read my book for a while, come on here three times and still do a small bit of stitching.  All in all, it was good.

Can I train myself to do a bit of one thing and a bit of another?  Of course, if I really want to.  But do I want to, and should I want to?  None of it causes anyone any problems, mostly.  The house is in a reasonable state.  The laundry is mostly done several times a week.  The dreaded ironing is kept under control.  I don't do gardening normally.  I need to do some painting and papering but am waiting for the weather and some help with that.  [Okay, that's my excuse and I'm keeping it.]

I had another busy and enjoyable afternoon with a friend.  Didn't reach all my goals due to technology problems but a good result anyway.  Had a short walk - exercise even! and ate three good meals with veggies.  Too bad about the cream cakes this evening :(  Ah, well.  They aren't there to eat for beakfast at any rate:)

It's been a good day.

I had my annual diabetes check up with the regular nurse this afternoon and she did the blood pressure review as well.  The sugar, cholesterol and BP are all fine. I don't take any notice of the numbers so can't tell you what they are.  I just register if they are good, okay or worrying.  I don't need to go back for six months.   She advised me to make an appointment with the GP for an asthma review as it is getting worse againl

My weight was a bit up from my last visit.  I already knew that so was prepared to the chiding that didn't come!  Her scales agree with mine near enough, so I'll stick with mine.  I shouldn't weigh myself every day but it usually do.  I have a little notebook next to the scales that I used to jot the numbers in.  I've started writing it down again.  It's good for me to look back and see the changes.  Too bad I got rid of all the old pages a while back.

I don't like going to slimming clubs.  I know they are good and they all have a lot to offer.  I've even lost weight on some of them (and on others the only pounds I lost were the ones from my purse for the weekly meeting)!  No, the problem I have with them is that no matter which one it is, I become tooooo focused on the food.  It's like this:
I wake up hungry.  Like starving.  So I have the 'allowed' amount for breakfast.  Fair enough.  A while later I'm again really hungry.  But I'm now afraid to eat anything because if I use some allowance now I 'might' be even hungrier later and have eaten all I'm allowed for the day.  So I think -"Stuff it." and eat anyway and feel guilty.  Day after day after day after day.  And on those days when I don't feel hungry at all, I feel guilty that I haven't eaten 'what I should' to follow the plan.

But when I'm not going to a club but am trying to eat sensibly - which is what the goal of all of them is - I just try to make healthy choices and moderate portions.  If I'm really not hungry but know I need to eat, I'll have a handful of almonds or something nutritious.  And when I'm hungry I'll try to eat a balanced meal.  I try really hard to use good snacks and not get too hungry.  And remember to drink plenty of water.  And if I do it well enough, for long enough, it works.

Yes, this is all in my head.  I know that and that the program the slimming clubs use is a tool not a strait jacket.

When I didn't get mad at myself yesterday, play the blame game, or tell myself I was stupid for losing some work,  that was real progress.

You see, I have to do everything perfectly.  No room for me to just do 'well enough', everything has to be perfect.  I mean, how stupid is that thinking?  That was the message I picked up as a kid and it's still there in my head unconsciously affecting my actions ever since.  There is every liklihood that I misinterpreted the messages I got ( I think I'm being kind saying that) but that's what I've been striving for all my life.  And what a waste of time and effort.

The result of that imprinting is that I can never really relax and enjoy things fully..  If I'm stitching or reading a book part of me is on about things that I should be doing.  Useful things.  Like polishing mirrors or cleaning ceiling lights! Weeding the recently weeded garden.  I can always come up with something to give myself grief over.  I've had many many years practice.

Yesterday was really pleasant.  I met a friend for a coffee in a cafe, went to a garden centre with my husband and another friend, then came home and walked Stevie until pain in my hips made us head home. 

Thinking about what I've just written made me think about Stevie on his walk.  He is obviously interested in nothing other than what he's doing and where I am.  Sniffing, marking, running to catch up with me or just ambling about nose down, he's fully absorbed in every moment.  It's wonderful to see.  And me...my brain is always going twenty to the dozen.  All sorts of stuff.  Sometimes it's good like yesterday, looking outward and seeing the beauty of nature around me. Feeling the warmth and comfort.  Enjoying the luxury of having a dog that can be 'off the lead' and well behaved.  But most walks aren't like that for me.  My mind is full of "Why didn't you bring him out earlier?"  "What are you really going to do about making a good meal?" "You'd be healthier if you did this more often" and the usual "You haven't done much today, you lazy cow" or words like that.  Sometimes, but less often, I'll praise myself.  But only if I've been busy doing proper stuff like housework, ironing, gardening..you know, real stuff.  Taking care of myslelf by doing my nails, reading, resting, having a bath; none of that counts at all.  And that is so very very sad.

Let's see if I can improve the mental situation over the coming few weeks and become more like Stevie.