I've got pretty new hair.  I put a colour on it yesterday and love it.  I used a light ash blonde over my mid/dark brown.  There were already some left over highlights in it and lots of grey so I've ended up with quite a nice colour with different bits in it.  It's a medium brown.  I'm amazed how much grey was scattered around this head all of a sudden. 

I've realised that I've not liked my body since I was about seventeen.  That's a long time to not be aware of something so close to you.  I still don't know all the ins and outs of this issue, but will sure be working on it now that I know.  I am so fat.  There is no word for it other than fat.  Whenever I see my reflection suddenly I get a shock.  My mental image is not in line with the real one.  But I have no real conception of what I actually do look like.  This is a painful thing for me to deal with and to live with.  I think I would love to have a slim, fit, healthy body that can move, run, skip, jump and dance easily.  I say I think I would live to have because I don't know what that would feel like, really.  And if I did really want it, wouldn't I have already achieved that wish?  Wouldn't I have already been working towards that goal with every bit of energy I have?  I mean, I gained weight when I was seventeen and pregnant and have never done anything real about it.  I have lost weight a few times and gained it back, but I've never worked at getting/being fit.  All I do is wish.  And as the old proverb goes "If wishes were horses then all would ride".  

I give myself treats but realise now that that is different from pampering and taking care of myself.  I do wear clothes that fit and that I like (mostly), and have cut down on a lot of the excess food intake;I use toiletries that suit my skin and hair and enjoy using them, but I still don't give my body the love and attention that would make so much difference.   So watch this space and lets see what happens.

and I have done a few things and have a long list of things still to be done.  None important, none earth-shattering urgent, none even interesting.  Just tidying, putting clean laundry away, change the bed, and dye my hair.  But I am enjoying the sunny day through my windows and am very relaxed.  I'd like to do some more stitching later if I can see well enough.  I've been doing a few stitches here and there on the unicorn but not enough to take a photo of.  I am enjoying the feeling of accomplishment though.

I had a great chat with two internet friends on Skype over the weekend. That was very good for me, and made me feel more connected to the outside world. 

I was about to write that I 'need' to make myself get out more.  I  don not want to use the word 'need' and whenever I catch myself using it I mentally change it to 'I would like to' because I know I'll benefit from it but it will be something I choose to do rather than being an obligation to do.  The same with should, ought to, etc.  I have to do xxx sounds a lot more like work than I'd like to do xxx so I can feel good when it's done. The job still needs to be done no matter what words I use about it, my it really can make a difference to my mental state to choose softer words.  For far too long I've used hard/harsh words to myself and it is time for that to stop.  Flylady.net has a lot of useful information about being kind to ourselves. 

I would not like someone else to tell me that I need to do something or I have to do something.  They would definitely not like my retort.  But I allow myself to say awful things to me in unguarded moments although I am doing far, far better at catching those thoughts and changing them to kinder ones.  

Recently I have been discovering that I am a good person. I'm liking myself more and more and am also realising that the parts of me that I don't like are parts that are the most damaged.  As I recognise these areas, I am looking at them and understanding them.  I may or may not be able to 'fix' them but just recognising them is a big step forward.  After all, every part of me is contributing to my well being in some way.  There are parts that are there as protection whether they are now necessary or not.  When I become aware of these I have the choice as to whether they are still needed or whether they can be reprogrammed into thoughts that are more suited to today's situations.  After all, my life is so different to what is used to be when many of my thoughts and feelings were formed originally.  They may not be serving any useful purpose now and be holding me back from freedom.

The days just seem to be flying by so quickly that I can't keep up!  It's nice being occupied - I think - but it can get a bit silly at times.  And nothing major has happened, just lots of little things that eat up the time.

I had a lovely lunch with a friend on Weds.  Unfortunately I went shopping afterwards and bought some neat trousers and shorts in the sale.  But although the trousers are the right size number, they are too big.  I didn't think they were until I cut the tags all off.  Oh well, they are wearable and will do for 'fat' days.  And today I tried on the next size smaller that were too tight - way too tight to look decent or even feel good.  I did get one pair for £3 in Tesco, a sort of gym trouser thing that will do for around the house to replace the cargo pants that should go to the ragbag forthwith.  Do not jump into the washing machine,  go straight to the dustbin.....

So I'm doing pretty well overall; the pain pills are working reasonably and I'm pretty happy.  Still on the antidepressants though.  The one thing I've noticed with the codeine is that it makes me sleepy and tastes vile.  Even if I put in in my mouth with a drink, it is awful.  And that taste lasts.  Most of my pills are tasteless if you take them with liquid quickly.  Not these tiny ones though.  Ah well, at least I have them and they work.

I am concerned about a couple of friends who are having problems.  All I can do for them is to be here online. 

I'm off to bed now.  Goodnight.

I love writing and it is good for me.  But lately I just can't seem to get on and do it.  Even when I'm at the pc and *could* do it, I just can't seem to get started.  I'm pushing myself now to do this.

This is never a great time of year for me anyway.  I always suffer depression in the winter.....and have done for years....since I was a kid I think...

But now, with hubby changing his life around;quitting his temporary job and retraining for a new career, planning a family holiday, and other sundry stuff, it's all just too much.  Add to that the illness and pain....I'm in a very feel sorry for me mode.  But actually, I'm not feeling sorry for me...more like annoyed with me.  No more strongly than annoyed because I know that I can't do better right now.  I am not annoyed with me as much as annoyed at how I feel.  If I could change it I would and all that jazz.  The thing is that all the changes are very good, positive ones.  But I can't know how much this new job with change my way of life - will he work days instead of nights?  When will we do the shopping?  etc etc etc.  None of it matters and it will all work out.  I KNOW this.  And really, getting into a different routine will be so much better for me.

I'm still not fully over the cough and cold I had after Christmas although it's a lot better and I'm feeling better.  But I stood outside talking to an old acquaintance the other evening and the wind was cold on my neck.  I've been dealing with a lot of pain ever since. If it isn't one thing it's always another.  And I have so much I want to do......my house isn't bad but isn't how I want it either.  Even doing a few minutes at a time isn't keeping it perfect....yep, I still want it perfect. 

And I have lost some more weight.  I'm so happy about that.  I have not deprived myself or dieted.  Just eating much less and thinking about what I do eat.   I am now x stone 12 7/8 so something from x stone 7 1/2.  Way to go me.  And a friend reached her ideal weight last night - she's lost seven stone.  That's how much I need to lose all together.  If she can do it, yadda yadda yadda. 

Well, at least I'm showered now and going to make a start on the kitchen.  Then we'll see from there.  Even my 'inner child/princess' is looking forward to getting a clean house!