about why I leave things to the last minute so often and then have to rush to get ready to go out or to get something done.  For example:  I have to have something done before 2.30pm.  I know this the night before.  I'm up early enough to have hours to do it.  So what do I do?  I spend ages on the computer reading and playing games instead of getting dressed and doing what I 'need' to get done.  Or I need to leave the house at 10.30, am up early enough to get showered and ready leisurely.  Do I get ready - nope, not until I have to hurry to get sorted and out the door.  And it does not make me happy or make me feel good about myself.  So why do I do it?  This is what I have been pondering this morning.

I don't really have any answers yet....but maybe as I write this some clarity will come.  Maybe not.  Maybe someone else has this problem as well - many times I find that what I thought was a shameful failing of mine and mine alone is acutally a very common issue with a lot of other people.

I'm convinced that part of the cause is a need to put myself under stress.  Sounds silly, I know, but I grew up not knowing anything but stress, fear and pressure.  Whether is was real or percieived doesn't matter, the result is the same.  So now when I am not under stress I do find that I make it for myself.  It is harmful to me and serves no other purpose that to make me feel 'normal' in a strange way.  I don't fully understand this well enough to expalin it so it makes sense.

We tend as humans to live in our comfort zone.  My comfort zone is one with lots of stress.  But although it is my comfort zone, it no longer serves me well and I need to recognise it and change it to one that 'fits my current needs'.  I have a fairly peaceful life and not much real stress.   I'm not going to be hungry unless I am to lazy to feed myself.  I have a warm home, clothes to wear and people around me who love me and are not judgemental.  I'm the only judgemental one here.  I have a dog who loves me as I am (he's asleep at my feet as I write this). 

Yes, there is always something that 'needs' doing; some cleaning, tidying, cooking, laundry, gardening and the like.  But the house is reasonably tidy and clean.  Not perfect but you don't have to fight your way in or feel afraid to use a cup.  Remember that my idea of the perfect home is a showhome.  Andy says we live in a home not a showhome and that's how he likes it.  And to tell the truth, I am not always physically well enough to keep this place as perfect as I'd like it to be.  I used to spend all my time and energy away from work doing house work with no hobbies.  Now I'd rather 'play' than do house work for the most part.  I won't let it get toooooo bad but no longer make it the centre of my life.

Right now the living room is dusty and needs a good going over.  It's fairly tidy, the bins are empty and it was vacuumed a couple days ago. It would actually be less stressful to get down and spend 15-30 minutes doing it and making it shine, then feeling happy.  Instead I'm up here writing about it......go figure.  That, putting away one basket of folded laundry,  vacuuming upstairs and taking out one empty box are all that needs doing to make the house as good as it gets without getting out the paint etc.  But it can wait.  And there is the problem.  These things aren't urgent in one way.  If I do them, I'm done and have nothing else that I 'have to do'.  I now wonder if I fear having nothing to do.  But that's silly because I can always find things to do, read a book, stitch, do a puzzle, play a game, a gazillion and one things to fill time.

And no one but me cares if those jobs get done or not.  If the others think it needs doing bad enough they will pitch in and do it (or if I ask them to do it for me).  Well, the vacuuming anyway.  So why do I stress about it?  Why do I leave it until later?  And moreover, why do I judge myself and value myself by what I achieve and do?

I'm going now to do some of these small tasks and see what answers I come up with.  When I get answers to my ponderings I'll post them on here.....maybe.






 

to writing more often, but I really can't say that yet.....because I don't know what the future holds from day to day.  None of us do.

I had a smashing evening on Saturday, we went to Milton Keynes for the ice hockey match that was my birthday treat.  The same two teams were playing although it was the normal fixture instead of the rescheduled one.  And it was a good game.  I'm glad we went.

Andy has been working the day shifts all month which means a lot less money coming in, but it has been great having the house to myself and not keeping quiet...the routines are all to pot but I'm loving it.  And he isn't so tired, but how much of that is stress related I'm not sure. But I am really making the most of it!  He does either 6-2 or 2-10.  I think that he starts nights next week but am not sure - the management probably aren't sure either!

The Disappointment last week was awful.........(see a row of smilies here)
I weighed myself and was 2 pounds down.  Brilliant.  Stepped on again to be sure, as you do, and nope, gained another two.  What the??? and did it again and got a different number.  Ah well.   New batteries needed.  Weight back to normal. This morning I've kept off that one pound and can live with that.  Well really, I HAVE to live with it as I have no option, do I? 

I've had the most dreadful chest cold for over a week.  I'm far better now but it has been awful.  Then yesterday it was like a head cold.  Today I finally feel human at last but will have to see how far the energy lasts.  I can honestly say I've done everything I can to get healthy and fitter.  Or almost anyway. 

We've booked a holiday to Egypt.  The poor hubby couldn't win, I was so ill that he got no joyful responses from me at all......I just didn't care where we went, when we went or even IF we went.  I was just too ill to take part in the planning and choosing.  But I am delighted with the choice that was made - it will be wonderful to snorkel again. 

When we were out on Saturday we went to Hobbycraft and I got a thread cutter pendant  Not only is it useful, it's pretty.  But I tried to put it on a chain and the ring was to big to go through the cutter.  So was a length of key-chain that I had sitting around.  So in the end I just doubled six strands of floss to the right length and put that in it.  At least I can put it around my neck.  So I did one for the needle threader as well.  All ready for the holiday.  I'm taking some stitching with me this time.  I may not use it but I'll have it for those quiet times when I don't feel like reading.

I've done very little stitching at all.  Maybe a dozen stitches.  I haven't been reading or anything for that past week.  I'm quite excited to start again today and see how I get on with it.  If I can't make headway with one thing I'll work on something else.  I don't want to stop doing cross stitch, but I just haven't felt like doing it for a few weeks now.  Today I feel like I'm missing it so lets see what happ

in the knowledge that I've done the very best I can about several things.

I've helped research the training that hubby wants to do.  I've done as much as I can until my head was ready to explode and I had to tell him that the rest was down to him.

And the computer was another story altogether.  The one we took to be repaired was repaired, sort of.  That lasted less than a week and the motherboard was completely dead.  Gone.  Kaupt.  Useless.  So we went out to buy another one, an neat tidy tower desktop one.  And it was faulty.  So we took it back and got an identical replacement with the same problem.  Then we took that back and got a big tower of a different brand and it is all fine and dandy.  I've put the 600gig hard drive from the old one into the new one - it had space and connections for it already, and am quite satisfied.  Spent hours getting everything downloaded, transferred and all that.  Now it's time to just enjoy it all.  The only downside is that the keyboard/mouse are USB not PS2, so I've had to swap with the other pc.  I have the old wireless and the new pc has my shiny new set.  Not that it matters in the least, it really doesn't at all.  Both machines have a working wireless set up which is what I wanted all along.

I've lost one pound in weight so far.  Not a lot but I do have lots of Xmas goodies around still - three boxes of chocs, three Lindt reindeer - the big ones, one Lindt Santa, some of the crisps, shortbread, and heaven knows what else.  And some has been binned as it was stale or out of date. What a waste.  I just don't eat nearly as much as I did a few months ago.  I just don't want it.  But also I am really trying to get a drink when I want something to eat.  Coffee, tea, Earl Grey or water all seem to help.  I still don't manage to get enough liquids down, but I am really making an effort.

The depression is still here but I'm still taking the meds.  The painkillers are working a treat, and that is good.  I just have to realise when I need them instead of waiting too long.  :) 

I have not been stitching at all to speak of.  I set the Unicorn up but only did a few minutes one day.  I'm too tired in the evening and too busy during the day.  At night my vision is really not good enough to do any at all.   Even watching TV is difficult some evenings when things get blurred.  I hope it will settle now that some of the pressure is off.

The car died the other week.  Poor Andy got his new radio installed, then waited to get the steering column contols for it connected.  A few days later it wouldn't start.  Even jump leads didn't work - it was deader than a doornail - on New Years Day.  Long story short, it needed a new alternator and battery after being taken on a low loader to the garage.  After all that was done the radio was kaput.  We finally got in to get it looked at on Friday - it was the fuse in the back of the radio itself.  The radio has to come out to get at it.  No wonder we didn't know it was there!  So that is all up and running again.

This has been a very expesive couple of months for us with the cooker, boiler, car and pc all needing attention or replacement.  I'm hoping that that will be the end of it for a while and we can just relax and enjoy life.  Not that we haven't been enjho

and for me it starts today!  Everyone has gone to work, hubby started his new job this morning, on days for today at least and probably the week, so I have the house to me and the dog.  That is unusual.  And lovely.

I need to change some things that I do, but I'm not making new year resolutions regarding them.  That doesn't work for me, just puts me under more stress that I don't need.  And I never followed through on them when I used to make them......so why bother setting myself up for failure?

One thing I want to do is to take better care of my body in every way. I have been eating much less - maybe too much less - but still not quite enough of the right foods.  That is one work in progress.  It's been ongoing for years but now I 'think' I'm ready to start using all my wonderful creams and lotions and butters and stuff.  When I have used cream on my arms they feel and look so much better......there has to be a big hint there wouldn't you say?

I started by making a hair appointment for this afternoon. Although I really wanted to let my hair grow, I'm not happy with how it looks in the mirror every day. Rose made it so pretty but I can't keep it up no matter how hard I try.  It looks uncared for a lot of the time although it's clean and neat. So I will have it cut again.  Now that I have a good gel that works, I can have a bit of length on top and keep it better, I think and hope.  And to be honest with myself at last, it does suit me better shorter.  I remember in high school wanting long hair like other girls had.  But with my long neck although my hair was as long as theirs, it didn't seem as long or do as many nice things. (In my perception anyway.)  I see now that I've been trying to achieve this ideal all my adult life.  I'm sixty six and it's time to let go of this dream and enjoy what I have, lovely strong hair that takes colour well and skin that lets me wear whatever colour hair I choose.  So I am grateful for the opportunity to start afresh and make the most of what I have!

I also have a lot of facial hair which can get pretty long around the chin.  It's fair and not too noticeable I don't think???? but I use a x7 mirror so I see it all the time.  Today I used the cream to get rid of it - I normally shave the moustache but and leave the rest until it's pretty bad. As the cream irritates my skin if I use it too often, I think I will make a date with myself to use it once a month and see how that goes.  I always feel good when I've done my face.  And I 'should' use a face mask more often.  Don't you hate the work 'should'.  I prefer to use choose.  My skin would benefit from exfoliation more often than I do it even though I have every product you could wish for including face washes and those scrubber things.  I just don't think about it very often.  And that is pretty sad as they are on the window sill in the shower.  I guess I really do neglect myself.  And it is pretty painful writing this.....I'm getting tearful.  This body has taken such good care of my soul and spirit somehow through a lot of hard times.  Now that life is so much easier and better.....     Right now I don't know where this stems from or why but I don't think it matters either just now.  It's enough to be aware of it, to be mindful.    And to care.

I am using the new wireless keyboard and mouse I got after Christmas.  I really enjoy them as they make this old pc so much easier to use but they are also a symbol of my life.  I buy and enjoy *things*, even when I can't afford and don't need them......when It would be better to take care of my body.  Get my priorities right.  I buy stuff to make me feel ....whatever it is that it makes me feel, but it never really succeeds for long because either I want something else very soon or I don't really use whatever it is because it doesn't fulfil me. Mostly I use it, love it but still want the next thing.  Poor hubby must feel he can never satisfy my wants because that's how it feels to me as well.  And it is so sad.  I'm buying to fill a hole that I didn't realise was there.

It's now gone noon and I'm still waiting to shower and eat.  I've had two cups of tea and my pills, done some housework and can enjoy the rest of the day as I wish.  Sure there is house work to do but nothing urgent to anyone but me.  Still, I'm starting to stress at not being dressed so I'll go shower.